Long time no post, I know. Been busy with school, work, travelling, (insert shitty excuse here.) Regardless, all of this business with Paris Hilton going to jail has had me thinking a lot about the justice system and how celebrities do seem to get a break simply by virtue of being famous. I think that Paris' pending incarceration is quite possibly one of the most important events that this nation has ever witnessed. Finally someone was willing to say "No more!" to the endless amounts of pandering by our legal system to the elite of the entertainment industry. Paris got a DUI, got her license suspended, and then proceeded to thumb her nose at the ruling by getting behind the wheel of a car anyway, as though the original punishment were some kind of joke. Now she gets to spend a little time in the slammer, just like any other shlub in her position would have to. This makes me happier than a pig in shit.
Unfortunately, there are actually people out there that are "fans" of Paris Hilton. If you asked me what she has ever done to warrant the admiration of anyone I'd probably just stare blankly at you while imagining a cartoon of a gorilla playing a turtle like drum, so I'm not quite sure who these asshats might be. Someone let out a filthy, spoiled whore battle cry and they banded together to form their own little fellowship of brain dead cunts. Well Paris' pals have drafted an open letter to the governor of California (Arnold "weightlifting is as satisfying as coming" Schwarzenegger) hoping to have Paris pardoned. You can see the letter in its entirety here, but I thought it'd be funny to take this opportunity to actually dissect what they're asking for. Never in my life did I think that people would be this passionate about exonerating someone as truly inconsequential as Paris Hilton, but here's the proof:
Let me first begin by saying that I grew up as a child enjoying all of your wonderful films. You really are the truly great action hero for our time. You are doing a great job in the great state of California.
Great opening. It would've been greater if you could've used the word "great" a greater number of times. Great job otherwise, though.
Paris Whitney Hilton is 26 year old American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.
Nice middle name, bitch. I had no idea, but it seems as though she's inheriting two fortunes that she has absolutely no claim to aside from the fact that she won the 6 billion to 1 long shot of being a Hilton. That makes her twice as worthy of being idolized by young tramps the world over. And if your only source of hope and excitement is Paris Hilton, you should carefully consider where you're at in life, then immediately shove an icepick into one of your tear ducts.
In addition to her work as an actress, she has achieved some recognition as a model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer.
So she has an opposable thumb and can hold a microphone? She's still not a singer. She has an album out, you say? Well so do humpback whales, and Whalesong has probably sold more copies than Paris (clever album title, by the way.)
We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong. I do not support drunk driving or condone a person being spared from DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn't go to jail, either.
She's not going to jail for her DUI, retards. For the DUI she got probation and her driver's license was suspended. She's going to jail because she violated that probation and drove on a suspended license. I know you want to believe that she's being unfairly and maliciously targeted, but you're all morons. She seemed to think that the judge was kidding about his original ruling. Now, for being an elitist, snooty, think-I'm-above-the-law whore she gets to see what it's like to face the legal system as any other "ordinary" citizen would. Cry me a fucking river.
Singer/actress Brandy Norwood’s California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI was evidenced in her accident, resulted in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today. . .
What the fuck? Brandy walks free precisely because it was an accident. She wasn't under the influence of any drugs or alcohol at all. This comparison is quite possibly the most desperate grasping at straws I've ever seen. Plus, Brandy hasn't been a real celebrity since "Moesha" got cancelled.
She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday. She is distraught and understandably afraid to enter the prison system.
No, she's not sorry. She's understandably upset because she has to go to jail, but the only reason she seems sorry at all is because she never expected to have to face these consequences in the first place. It's like the bratty little kid that gets spanked for doing what they're not supposed to. They'll start apologizing to high heaven once they know they're about to get their ass mashed into ground beef.
I urge you to think about the welfare of this young woman who will be placed into a facility with murderers, rapists, people who have committed assault, battery, larceny, etc.
Rapists? In a female prison? You broads are imaginative, I'll grant you that. And by the way, that "etc." that you so nonchalantly gloss over includes people who have violated their probation and disobeyed direct instructions from a judge. Paris will almost certainly be in isolation all 45 days, so don't worry about her getting roughed up by a 320 lb. car thief named Shaniqua. The worst that'll happen is she'll end up the center of a gang bang with the guards in the shower room, and even that's something she'll probably welcome as a little taste of home.
. . .if the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we as compassionate human beings can undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well.
*crickets* Ummm, seriously. . . *crickets*
So there it is. No matter how many times they see of Paris Hilton crashing her car in a parking lot and fleeing the scene, or Paris Hilton almost running over a photographer, or Paris Hilton getting caught driving under the influence, she deserves more chances. Why? "Because she's just so cute and famous" seems to be reason enough. The moral of the story is to teach your kids that the secret to success in America is to simply inherit a shit-ton of money that you did nothing to earn, then let Shannon Doherty's ex-husband bust a nut on your chin with a video camera in your face. Apparently that makes you into some kind of icon.
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