People I Hate

Everyone hates someone. I don't care if you're the most caring person on the planet, there's someone that you can't stand to be around.

For example, I hate the people who say "cool beans" every time they hear any kind of news.

"Here's your paycheck."
"Cool beans!."

"You left your coffee in the break room."
"Cool beans."

"I just backed over your daughter."
"Cool beans?"

This idiocy also applies to variations on this theme, such as "cool bananas" and "coolio." These assholes need to realize that what they're saying is complete nonsense and that their reflexive use of the phrase indicates severe head trauma in their past.

I also hate people who claim to like Journey now that they've seen Peter and Quagmire sing "Don't Stop Believing" on Family Guy. Here's the scoop, chief: you don't really like Journey. You don't even know the lyrics past "born and raised in south Detroit." You're 19 years old, meaning any nostalgia you have for '80s music in general is 90% imaginary. Why don't you just straighten out your intentionally frayed American Eagle cap and put on your expensive looking Bose headphones so that you can privately enjoy Hinder or Blue October or whatever other shitty bands are getting paid to warble about how depressed and angst-filled their lead singer is. Lips of an Angel my ass. . . And P.S., this goes double for anyone who thinks they're being hip by playing "Ring of Fire" or "Boy Named Sue" on a jukebox since the movie "Walk the Line" came out. You don't like Johnny Cash. You think you do because Joaquin Phoenix is such a dreamboat, but the truth is you hope it's a total pantie-peeler if those chicks at the corner table see that you know the opening lines to "Folsom Prison Blues." If I ever "hear that train a-comin'" I hope you're tied to the fucking tracks.

Finally, I definitely hate people who give you way more medical information about themselves than is necessary. Do you really have pre-printed handouts on the proper procedure to follow if you start having a seizure? Guess what, sugar tits, if you're having a seizure my first thought is gonna be how much distance I need from you to avoid getting any froth spattered on me. After that I'll see if there's a phone around that I don't have to strain too much to reach and I may end up calling for help. Other than that, I guess you'd better be a bit more diligent with your meds, huh? I also don't need you telling me about the six brain surgeries you've had, or the sexual abuse you endured as a child. It's my first day at this office and I'm not a fucking therapist. I don't even know how to turn on my computer yet but I'm already certain that you're the creepiest bitch I've ever met.